A Gainer By Loss
by hctiB-notsoB
Summary: Gus/Shawn WARNING: character death, angst, and smut. "Death has this strange effect on life...it makes you realize you have one."


AN: Kudos to anyone that recognizes the scene I borrowed from 'High Fidelity'. (The movie, not the book.)

**WARNING:** for character death, angsty themes, and a mildly sexually explicit scene between two men.

* * *

"Gus, it's me. Pick up. Gus, I know you're there. Pick up the phone. My dad's dead Gus, pick up the damn phone!"

Gus hadn't been there, actually. He'd been in the office lounge, getting some much needed caffeine after a night of listening to Shawn rambling about their latest case. Listening to him explain who could've done it, where, and with what...it felt an awful lot like playing Clue. Then, carelessly pressing the flashing red light on his office phone and hearing Shawn's semi-hysterical voice. The forgotten coffee dropped onto his desk, spilling over his important documents and ruining the keyboard to his computer. He didn't notice, or care about, the mess.

Shawn was the sort of person that needed people to keep him in control. He was a full blown catalyst and had little to no restraints. Thus, knowingly or not, relied on other people to keep his life stable. He needed anchors. As Gus pulled up to the old Spencer household and saw Shawn slumped on the front steps, staring at the ground blankly, he knew Shawn was on the verge of losing his grip. The man who'd anchored him his whole life had been taken away.

The moment Shawn spotted him, Gus got an armful of his best friend.

Shawn refused to leave the house, and Gus refused to leave him, so they both ended up gathering their things and staying at the old home. It kind of felt like the sleep-overs when they were still kids. Only there was no Mr. Spencer to sneak into the living room with popcorn, soda, and Godzilla tapes. And no Mrs. Spencer to yell at all three of them from upstairs to keep the noise down. And no Shawn.

During the week before the funeral, Shawn turned into someone else. Not a _bad_ someone else, per se. Just, not Shawn. He focused on the preparations that needed to be done and waved off all of Gus' attempts to help. More often than not, Shawn would be at the kitchen table, phone in one hand, pen in the other, staring at the day planner he stole from Gus' car. It was OK to talk about the funeral, but Henry Spencer's name was not to be uttered in this household. This Gus found out, when a cup met with the wall by his head.

"We're supposed to have a party, right?"

Gus looked up from his coffee slowly. "Huh?"

Shawn looked up from the planner. "After the funeral. We're supposed to have a party or something, right?"

"Oh. No, it's not a party Shawn. It's just like...I dunno. People come here after the funeral, and there's drinks and stuff, and we all talk, and..." Gus snorted. "Yeah, I guess it is a party."

"Do we have to have one?" He thinks he saw Shawn's jaw tense, but he can't be sure.

"No, we don't have to Shawn."

"I mean, it's just that everyone would be here and... You know, we'd have to clean up and stuff. And we'd have to move things around, and then the house -- then i-it wouldn't..."

It wouldn't be how he left it. "We don't need to have one Shawn." If people wanted to remember Henry, they could go buy their own booze to do it, social niceties be damned.

"No party?" Shawn looked hopeful.

"No party." That simple.

He's thankful they made that decision, because Shawn couldn't even make it through the funeral. As the priest finished his sermon, Gus realized for the first time that Shawn hadn't been by his side for a while. He hastily placed a rose on the casket, then walked out of the cemetery. Gus searched the street for his friend, hoping Shawn hadn't gone too far off. No such luck.

When Shawn walked through the door Gus had been staring at for five hours, he looked like a survivor of World War II. The suit he wore to the funeral was heavy, wet and clinging to his body, thanks to the rain the weatherman said wouldn't come for another few days. The dripping clothes showed off his thin body, making Gus think of exactly how much food and sleep Shawn's had in the past two weeks. It's not an amount he likes to turn over in his head.

"I just realized something." Shawn's voice was raspy and cracked, and Gus wasn't sure if his own would sound much better. "I'm officially an orphan. ...Think I should dye my hair red and break into song?"

Banter. Good, Gus could handle banter. "You'd have to change genders and lose twenty years, too."

"Pfft. I'm cuter than Annie, as is."

Gus smiled a little. "Don't think you'd fit in her dresses though."

Shawn's smile looked more like a grimace. "I could lose weight."

"You okay?" Banter's gone.

"Not really."

Gus shrugged and kicked the chair across from him out from under the table. "Sorry, standard question."

Shawn sat in the offered chair and laid his head down on the kitchen table. Rain water dripped from his hair and puddled on the wood. "He'd be yelling at me right now. For screwing up his new varnish or something."

"You should change or you're gonna get sick."

"'Member when we were thirteen, and I got pneumonia 'cause me and him had a fight. I snuck out and stayed outside in the rain all night. He found me on the porch and freaked out. Dragged me to the hospital...literally."

"Shawn..." What does one say, when they have two happy healthy parents, and their friend has none?

"Yeah Gus?"

He stood up, circled around the table, and pulled Shawn out of his chair. "Let's get you changed. I'm not going to let you get sick."

They got up the stairs and to Shawn's bedroom with only a stumble or two, thankfully. Shawn moved like a fleshy robot, going as Gus directed him. He told Shawn to start undressing, before going to get a towel from the bathroom. When he came back, he saw Shawn had only taken off his jacket and shoes. His hands were shaking too much for him to get the buttons of his shirt undone. Gus set the towel on the bed, then gently took Shawn's icy hands in his and lowered them from the shirt. He undid the buttons and pushed the shirt off Shawn, his hands brushing against cold skin. Once his torso was bare, Gus dried his chest and attempted to rub some warmth back into his best friend. When he reached for Shawn's belt, blue-tinged hands stopped him.

"Listen Gus, would you have sex with me?"

Gus looked up, staring at Shawn's bright green eyes, certain he'd heard wrong. "Huh?"

"I just...I want to feel something else than this. So, it's either that, or I go put my hand on the stove. Unless you have any samples from work you want to share?"

"Only a few, but I'm saving them for later."

Shawn nodded, his gaze desperate. "Guess it'll have to be sex."

Gus blinked. "Right. ...Right."

Shawn took the towel from his hands and tossed it on the floor by his other clothes. He pushed Gus onto his old bed and had him lay back, before reaching to undo his pants. "Just lay there. I'll do all the work." Shawn's smirk didn't quite reach his eyes.

When Shawn straddled him, bare except for his boxers, Gus' conscience kicked into overdrive. It was screaming at the forefront of his mind about the wrongness of this all and _have you no decency man?!_ But Shawn's pleading eyes shut the nasty bugger up pretty quickly. They'd experimented plenty when they were younger, so it wasn't entirely new...just unfamiliar.

Shawn ditched his boxers next, sitting in Gus' lap completely naked, then worked on getting Gus' shirt off his chest. He sat up to help the process, and when their bare chests met, his skin raised into bumps. Shawn was still so cold from the rain. He ran his hands up and down Shawn's arms, warming them slightly, before moving on to his friend's chest. Shawn hissed when his hands reached the already perked nipples, and Gus' moved in for a kiss in the middle of the gasp that followed.

Soon enough, Shawn's skin was flushed, a much better look for the younger man in Gus' opinion. The eyes that had been shining with desperation, were now a dark, deep green. The breath coming from the once cold chest, was ragged and fast. Shawn pushed Gus back into the bed and moved lower down his body. Apparently, Shawn was getting impatient, since he didn't bother attempting to completely remove Gus' pants. He lowered the cotton material past Gus' hips, releasing his growing erection.

Shawn looked around his old room, searching for something to use for lubrication, Gus thought. There was none within reaching distance however, making Shawn groan in annoyance. He saw Shawn give his lap a quizzical look, before the younger shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh shit!" Gus fought not to thrust up when Shawn's mouth closed around his erection.

The warm, wet cavern was hard to resist though, and he buried his hand in Shawn's hair. The other absently swirled his tongue about his swollen member. He worked the phallus in his mouth, getting it covered in his saliva. Once he was satisfied, and Gus was close to his breaking point, Shawn released it from his mouth. "Good enough." He straddled Gus' waist again, planting one hand his chest keep balanced, and reached the other behind him.

Gus' eyes widened when he saw what Shawn was moving to do. He grabbed the younger's hips to keep him from lowering them. "Shawn! Wait, you haven't even--"

"Don't care, don't want to. I want to feel as much as this as I can, Gus."

The plea was back in Shawn's eyes, but he was still hesitant. "I don't want to hurt you."

The smile Shawn gave him was more real than the others he'd seen lately. "I'll be fine Gus. Promise."

Gus pulled Shawn down for a quick, passionate kiss, before guiding the hips above him down onto his erection. Shawn took in a sharp, deep breath as the head of his cock met the tight ring of muscles. Blunt nails dug into Gus' chest when he finally penetrated Shawn. He tried to stop Shawn's hips from moving, but the stubborn man pushed down until Gus was fully sheathed inside him. His own breathing was heavy and ragged now, as he attempted to form coherent words of concern. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yeah, ju--just give me a minute."

Shawn rested his weight fully on Gus, hips settled on his lap and the hands on his chest shakily keeping Shawn upright. The other man took deep, steady breaths, attempting to relax his muscles around the intrusion. After a few moments, where Gus could do little more than run his hands soothingly up and down Shawn's thighs, his lover cautiously lifted his hips and then slowly lowered them back down. Shawn grit his teeth tight, but continued the motion, while Gus bit back a moan.

Beads of sweat blossomed on Shawn's body, as he tried to keep a steady rhythm and focused all his attention on every current sensation. Gus watched Shawn as he rode him, green eyes closed almost blissfully and mouth half open, taking in quick breaths of air with every downward motion. Shawn lifted himself up, until Gus' erection was almost completely out of him, before letting gravity take his body down onto his lover. Shawn let out a harsh, surprised moan when the hard member inside him found his prostate. Gus thrusted his hips up into Shawn, muttering various incoherent expletives as he did.

By the time his orgasm neared, Shawn's body was shaking from the exertion. Gus tugged on Shawn's erection, while pushing into the body above him. "God! Gus!" Shawn pushed himself down once more, before climaxing, clenching tight around his lover. Gus gripped Shawn's hips, nearly hard enough to bruise the light skin, and lasted for a few more thrusts, before spilling deep inside him.

Shawn collapsed on to Gus, riding out the post-coital bliss. Gus wrapped his arms around Shawn, keeping his body close. Every deep breath from Gus made him move with his chest. And the steady beat from Gus' heart reverberated through his mind.

"He left me the house."

Gus looked down at the mop of brown hair. "You're surprised?"

Shawn shook his head against the dark skin. "No, just... I mean, I can't sell it or anything, no way. It's my childhood home, where _we_ pretty much entirely grew up. But what the hell am I supposed to do with a house?"

"Well..." Gus was hesitant. "We could live here."

Shawn looked up at Gus, resting his chin on his chest. "We?"

"As long as you swear not to ditch me again," Gus shrugged.

For the first time in two weeks, Shawn's smile finally reached his eyes. "I swear."


End file.
